Flashes and Magic – Tensions and Resolutions

Blog Entry

There are two types of flashes that have sparked fear in my life. The first happened when I was a very young boy. Summers in my town felt like eternity. My friends and I used to have more fun than I do now in 2 years. Our ‘favorite’ activity was to build forts or play road hockey in the court or make the sandbox our mud pit or play hide and seek in the whole neighbourhood: ok, so maybe there was more than one favorite. The flash hit.

Often times, I would catch myself in the middle of a fearful daydream about the future. The thoughts and images sped through my head: could this childhood feeling of eternity last?

<.SPACE.> FLASH <.SPACE.> FLASH <.SPACE.> FLASH <.SPACE.>

This childhood flash was later transposed into a new and evidently prayerful expression. The flash hits when I pray. I feel as though I am in an abyss, there is no way to describe this feeling.[1] The ground is nowhere to be found and the sky could be anywhere around me. What is God trying to do? What is the adversary trying to do? Is this full or is this empty?

Magic shows also filled my childhood. ‘Mr. Don’ performed a number of magic shows for my birthday. One time he made water come right out of my head. I trusted him and I trusted the magic. My friends were excited by his chemicals and knives. Mr. Don always put on a good show and never told his secrets: mystery tugs on a boy’s heart.

As time went on, I saw the magic elsewhere. I was that inevitable teenager boy who just longed to sleep for 3 more hours after 10:00am. These were the moments when time was meaningless and growing was motionless. Those in my household were jealous of my sleeping experiences and I did not share those mysteries with them. I was never envious of the time that they were awake because I was always on the brink of some revelation: I was lost in dreamland.

The magic is now revealed to me in people, nature and God. I talked to a best friend last night and ‘catching up’ sent me into the magic. I walked to the river last week and the dancing lights reminded me of Mr. Don’s mysterious ways. I rocked to the music of Switchfoot and was reminded of the God of the universe. God spoke to me.

This couplet is my journey home: I am learning to see beyond the flashes and magic and to know that living in the space between is really the reward. The aloneness, abyss and inconsistency of the flashes lead me to community, a place to be comforted in the midst of incessant flashes. The knowledge, expectancy, and continuity of the magic lead me to resolution, an ever hoping stance. The challenge is not in the flashes or the magic because they always lead to something good. The challenge is to find home between the tensions and resolutions of life.

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[1] It is not an Aleph.